Mini Fidel and Montezuma

Montezuma’s Revenge, also called by some the Aztec Two-Step, is what tourists suffer after drinking bad water. If President Hugo Chavez gets his way, the name “Montezuma” will soon be associated directly with Hugo Chavez Frias, president of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela and self-proclaimed leader of the new 21st century revolutionary socialism. Why? Because Chavez is convinced that he is a direct blood descendant of the Emperor Montezuma, the last lord of Aztec Mexica empire before Hernan Cortes arrived with a handful of homicidal Conquistadors backed the Holy Roman Catholic God, the Spanish Crown and a large number of pissed off local indigenous tribespeople who were sick and tired of being the sacrificial slaves of the Aztec Emperors.

Beyond gratifying his immense, narcissistic ego, let's cut to the chase, Chavez could potentially get some political mileage if he could successfully trace his blood lineage to Montezuma’s loins:

* If Chavez could legitimately claim some of Montezuma’s genes, he could project himself in the Americas as a true indigenous leader, and a royal one at that. Hypothetically this would relegate indigenous Bolivian leaders like Evo Morales and Felipe Quispe to a secondary status (at least in Chavez’s mind), since the Venezuelan president doesn’t recognize anyone’s leadership except his own.

* If Chavez and Montezuma were blood relatives, the Venezuelan president might demand that the United States return to its rightful owner – meaning Chavez – all of the territory the U.S. “stole” from Mexico, including California and Texas. Chavez also could demand thnat Mexico be returned to the descendant of the Aztecs. This may sound crazy, but is there anything in Chavez’s history over the past seven years that suggests he would not make such crazed demands?

* Chavez is already on record as seeking the title of president-for-life by amending the Bolivarian Constitution to allow his unlimited re-election. Chavez said recently he wants to stay in power until at least 2031. Imagine Chavez being introduced in the future at one of his political rallies, like the spectacle he staged in Vienna much to the anger and embarrassment of the Austrian government: “Introducing Hugo Chavez, president-for-life of Venezuela; commander in chief of the Bolivarian Armed Forces, civilian reserve and territorial guard; leader of the Bolivarian Revolution; co-president of Cubazuela; and Montezuma’s only true heir to the throne of Emperor of the Indigenous Nations of Latin America!” The music will blare and hundreds of paid revolutionary cheerleaders, sprinkled with assorted European and American asshole armchair commies, will grunt in intellectually constipated unison, “Uh! Ah! Chavez no se va!” Chavez also could start to include in his musical performance repertoire rancheras with verses like “Sigo siendo el Rey” – although quite obviously a King’s Crown would be small potatoes for the man who would be Emperor.

In summary, while Chavez’s quest to prove his blood lineage to Montezuma is laughably absurd, it is also somehow fitting that Venezuela’s erratic and mentally unstable president should seek to prove that he is Montezuma’s heir. After all, Montezuma was a failed Emperor who presided over a bloody and corrupt tyranny that enslaved and slaughtered weaker indigenous peoples, and who today is remembered popularly mainly by travel agencies and tourists that equate the name Montezuma with the Aztec Two-Step, that leaves the taste of vomit in one’s mouth.